Service Level Agreement

Last updated: the day he first said it. · Effective since: 2023. · Version: 4, now 5. · Governing body: the two of us, in that order.

The commitment, in full

We™ guarantees 99.999% availability for the following services:

Hugs. Unscheduled, unlimited, and not subject to change freeze.
Listening to long rants about work. No time limit, no summary generated, no solution offered unless asked for twice.
Emergency dessert runs. Triggered by any sentence containing the word "actually, I'm fine." Response within fifteen minutes.

Availability is measured monthly against the request count, the request count being every moment since 2023 in which you considered him and did not send anything. He has been available for all of them.

Current status: all systems nominal. Last incident: he forgot once, in 2023, and it has been flagged in every report since.

1. Definitions

"Service" means him. "Client" means you. "Downtime" means any period during which he is not available to you, which has never yet been recorded, including the two occasions on which he was in a meeting and left it. "Planned downtime" means a period he told you about in advance, which he has never once done, though he has considered it.

2. Covered services

The following services are covered by this Agreement and by nothing else, since there is nothing else:

2.1 Hugs, standard. Delivered without prior notice. Duration negotiated in the moment and never renegotiated afterwards.
2.2 Hugs, extended. Available on request, including during deadlines, outages, and the last ten minutes of the day.
2.3 Listening services. Includes nodding, remembering which colleague caused it, and forming a private opinion about that colleague which is never, under any circumstances, shared.
2.4 Emergency dessert procurement. Includes leaving the building, the meeting, and occasionally the decade.
2.5 Remembering. The dates, the small things, the order of them, and the fact that you once mentioned the small thing once.

3. Availability targets

Monthly availability shall not fall below 99.999%. Budgeted downtime per calendar month: 0.0043%. This budget has never been used and is not expected to be used; he keeps it in reserve for the day he is late, so that the day he is late does not, technically, breach anything. You are exempt from this clause entirely, which is the entire point of writing it.

Note for readers keeping score: 99.999% still permits approximately four minutes of unavailability per year. He has read this figure many times and considers it far too generous, which is the only objection he has ever raised to any clause in any document on this site.

4. Service credits

If a target in Section 3 is missed, the following credits are applied to the affected month. Credits are issued automatically. There is no claims process, because there has never been a claim.

Schedule of service credits
Incident	Threshold	Credit	Settlement currency
Late reply	> 15 minutes, no warning	100%	One (1) croissant, payable immediately
Missed dinner	1 occurrence	150%	Two (2) croissants and a head scratch, full contact
Unscheduled deployment after 22:00	1 occurrence	200%	One (1) entire evening, no questions asked
Saying the wrong thing, once	Per incident	250%	An apology that is obviously sincere and slightly too long
Extended unplanned downtime	> 1 hour	500%	Whatever she asks for. He has not yet been told no.
Insufficient warning of any of the above	Per incident	1000%	Whatever he has, which turns out to be enough

Credits do not expire. They are held indefinitely, on the grounds that he intends to have none to pay and would rather go into debt than skip one.

5. Response times

The following response times are committed to and have been met:

Urgent: fifteen minutes, at any hour, in any time zone you happen to be awake in.
Standard: one (1) message. The response is always longer than the original message.
Non-urgent, for example, the things you save for three days and then send with "anyway": also one (1) message, sent immediately, because he never noticed the three days. He was not keeping track. He was just there.
Technical support of the emotional kind: as long as it takes. There is no timeout on this line. There has never been a timeout on this line.

Where response exceeds the committed time without advance warning, the penalty under Section 4 is payable immediately, without the client being required to request it, and without a ticket number, because no ticket has ever been needed for anything.

6. Exclusions

There are no exclusions. This is not an oversight. The complete list of events that do not excuse a missed target is empty, and the complete list of events that excuse one is also empty, which is a coincidence, and which he is aware is suspicious.

7. Reporting and review

A monthly availability report is available on request. The report contains one line, reads "100%", and is delivered with a small amount of nervous pride. Requests may take a while, because every request you have ever made was received immediately, and he is not used to the idea of being slow at anything.

This Agreement is reviewed quarterly. At each review he will look at you for slightly too long, then nod, then suggest no changes are necessary. This is the review.

9. Contact

Questions about this Agreement may be directed, in the usual way, to the person it is about. See the Contact page. The Terms of Service and the Privacy Policy are incorporated here by reference, and between them they take nine minutes to read, which he has timed.

availability: 99.999% · settlement currency: croissants · appeals: none, and never needed